Ok, so things have been pretty chaotic lately and so I haven’t really had a chance to think. I guess I should first give a brief summary of last week. Friday and Saturday were actually pretty good days. I was pretty relaxing and things seemed to be going well. On Sunday I was attempting to do my hw and was really struggling on Physics. I had tried to do it on Saturday but couldn’t focus so I decided to put it off until Sunday. Basically it was causing me a huge level of anxiety because I had a test coming up and didn’t really understand it. I was at the point that I couldn’t even do problems that I had known before because I was so stressed. Then I realized that the Monday before the 2^nd physics test last year was when I choked myself really badly and came close to killing myself. Well, at least that is the closest that I had ever come at that point. Realizing that just increased the stress level. It was pretty much a big trigger that was horrible. Despite really wanting to, I managed to not choke myself on Sunday. It was one of the few times that I have actually tried to not choke myself when things were going really badly. Monday suxed because I had to deal with school and all of the anxiety etc. I decided to go to the counseling center for the whole emergency thing because I was really having a lot of problems handling everything and I knew it would end badly. So I went there and you are supposed to write what is wrong and they have a list of things such as I hear voices, I am going to kill myself, I am going to kill others, etc. I obviously didn’t want to check any of them because it would be stupid to write on paper that I wanted to hurt myself. I generally try to avoid any record of these sort of things so I wrote down panic attack in the other section. I was hoping that I could talk to someone and kinda get into the whole issue I was having but the lady that I saw suxed. She was so annoying and basically lectured me about not getting a tutor when I was struggling and then gave me the usual lecture of people doing things for my safety. Then she got into the whole maybe I shouldn’t be there thing and how there are certain standards for RIT students and maybe I wasn’t meeting them and basically made it sound like I was an idiot for getting so stressed about tests and I shouldn’t be at RIT because I was too unstable. So with all that I definitely didn’t get to say any of the stuff that was really bothering me. So I felt worse and by the time I got home on Monday I was really destructive. I ended up hurting myself pretty badly. I choked myself pretty bad and I am not sure if I mentally loss awareness or actually physically blacked out but I ended up on the floor and I think I had a mini seizure thing were my body kinda convulses. Basically really unsafe but I didn’t really care at the moment. Then by Tuesday morning I had become completely numb. I had a 5 hour break before the Physics test in which I usually do as much studying as possible but I wasn’t able to study at all. I was entirely numb. Like I logically knew that I should be studying and that I was going to hate myself for not studying but I didn’t care. I basically didn’t care about anything. It was a weird feeling because I logically knew all the horrible things that I should have been feeling at that moment but I didn’t feel any of them. Anyways, I actually managed to do ok on the Physics test because it ended up being a lot easier than the stuff he assigned as homework. That was a really lucky thing because if it would have been hard and I did badly I would have hated myself for it and that would have made things worse. Anyways, for the next couple days I was pretty much numb. Like I was a little better as far as physically numb but my mind had completely put up a wall. It is a weird feeling because there are so many things that are stressing me out and stuff but I can’t actually think about any of them. Its like a giant mass of things in my head but my mind prevents me from accessing any single item to actually think about it. That gave me a lot of physical feeling of anxiety but I couldn’t associate it to any particular thing so I couldn’t do anything to handle it which was horrible. I ended up choking myself on Wednesday night purely because I didn’t want to deal with the physical anxiety and the only way I could really relieve it was to use physical destruction. On Thursday I had to see my shrink. I was kinda freaked out about saying the whole thing about me being destructive and she asked about how my body reacted but I wouldn’t tell her. I was still kinda freaked out tho. I basically completely dissociated the entire time which suxed. Like I could have sat there the entire time just sitting staring at the floor but I was trying so hard to be focused. It was dissociating to the point that it is hard for me to actually interact with the world. I don’t remember a whole lot about that session but one thing that I do remember is that she talked about me thinking that I was evil. That kind of bothered me but I wasn’t really able to think about it until tonight. I have been trying to think about the things we talked about in session but my mind still had the whole mental wall up so I couldn’t really think. Apparently I am kinda getting back past that as of tonight though I still don’t feel as much control over my mind as I usually feel. I really don’t like that because I am obsessive about control over my mind. It is how I manage to function despite all of the things that are wrong with me. Anyways, in the session she stated that I must think that I am evil because I punish myself. She said that you don’t really punish things that are worthless. You may not take care of them or disregard them but you don’t physically punish them. She said that you punish something that is evil. I didn’t really like the statement because I have never really considered myself evil. I tried to think about it one other night this past week and I looked up references to evil in the bible but it didn’t seem to fit. I think I see myself more as fundamentally bad than evil. People that are evil hurt other people. I would never hurt anyone else only myself. Then tonight I was kinda sitting playing a game as I was thinking about something and I thought to myself that I should be able to handle my own pain and suffering. It actually started from me being frustrated with one of my friends because she is always complaining about the most trivial things but the whole pain and suffering quote reminded me of the bible. Its like something that has been said in church many times tho I don’t really remember all of the reference off the top of my head. I guess it made me think of the pain and suffering that Jesus endured for us. I kinda feel like I am like that in a way. I would never even think of comparing myself to Jesus because he is perfect and I pretty much feel that everything about me is bad but I guess I thought of the situation. I have thought multiple times before of what I did to deserve all the stuff that has happened to me. I could never really come up with anything that I had done that seemed horrible enough which kinda bothered me but I simply attributed it to the fact that life is not fair. I guess that’s where I get the whole thing of I should simply endure anything whether or not I logically deserve it. The times I punish myself is when I can’t seem to handle things. I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed and can’t handle things. I hurt myself badly when I just get completely overwhelmed and can’t handle life anymore. I guess that is me kinda giving up and therefore I deserve to die if I can’t handle life. The punishment isn’t necessarily for actions that I have taken to hurt others but my inability to handle things. I basically feel that it is my job to handle everything and to be there for everyone and I get frustrated when I can’t. When I can’t handle everything that happens then I deserve to be punished for my inability to handle things not because of the things themselves. The ironic thing is that this was unconsciously derived from church and the bible when I can’t bring myself to believe in God anymore. Like in a way I want to believe in God but I can’t seem to do it. I feel like I am faking because I don’t really believe and then I am pretending to be something I am not which is a hypocrite. I have been told many times that it is worse to pretend to follow God when you don’t than it is to flat out deny him altogether. I guess I tried to force myself to believe for quite a while and tried to ignore any doubts I had but at some point I gave up. Jesus could handle things because he was perfect. He had God to help him. I have no one. I depend on no one and trust no one. I guess I look at it and it seems to be such an impossible task and it basically is, but there are a lot of things that I do/think that I know logically don’t make sense but it is how I think. It is interesting to gain this understanding though. I guess it helps me put things more into perspective and better understand why I think the way that I do. I am not really sure how I feel about all of this at the moment because I just realized it a little bit ago but it is good to have the insight. It gives me a little less stress to have gained more understanding of my mind.